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This story of my life fighting my drug addiction, it is over 9,300 words long and I have put a lot of time, thought and effort into writing this. So please be respectful when using my story in parts or in all. My Demon “Drug” of Choice By: Jennifer (McAlister-Romano) Wilson Mabank, TX Hi, you are probably wondering why I am telling you my story. Or you might even be wondering why I am writing it down on paper. I have always said to people, that since I decided to stop using speed (methamphetamines) or any drugs at all, that I would tell my story to a million people if that is what it would take to keep one person from ever touching or using any illegal drug, especially speed. It has destroyed me! It almost killed me in more ways than one. It cost me my marriage to my first love, a good relationship with my children, up to this point of my life while using Meth, I also lost the trust of family and friends. I lost a lot of friendships because of Meth and I am not even sure if I will get those friendships back. Well I now have a good relationship with my children & family. I have also gained some of their trust back. But it has taken me a year and a half to get the trust back that I have now. The longer I stay clean the more trust I gain back. Speed almost cost me the life of my younger daughter also. I am always willing to help someone else as long as they are willing to help themselves. As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink.” Part of recovery is telling your story to another addict, so I figure this is a really good way to do it. I want to touch as many people’s lives as I can. If I get judged because of this then that is something I will deal with as it comes up. People become addicted to this drug after the first use and I am one of them. I had been using crystal meth (SPEED) since February of 1999. To some people that might not be along time, but to me it is. Speed is called many, many things. I do not remember exactly when I started shooting (also known as bumping, Slamming and/or main streaming) meth but I am pretty sure it was only a few months after I tried meth for my first time or maybe even after I tried it for the first time. I remember thinking “cool, a drug that only stays in your system for a few days, unlike pot. I can stay up for hours or even days at a time and lose weight without even trying very hard.” I lost a lot of weight, but as soon as I stopped I gained almost 50 pounds in two months. Up until this point and time in my life, December of 1998, I had only smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol once in awhile, nothing a whole lot, just every now and then. I had only been smoking weed for a few months when I decide to try harder drugs. All pot did was make me hungry, lazy and tired. I was ready to try something new. I had always heard how great “speed” was. That was around February of 1999. I do know that in the following years it was awful and things only got worse and never better till I decided to stay clean and get off of the drugs completely, then things did get better. But it was very slowly. And it did not happen all at once. I had to work hard at staying clean. While I was using I was always paranoid that someone was watching me or trying to hurt me. Thinking I saw something that was never really there in the first place. I just swore something was lurking in the shadows. Now I know why they call meth users skitzers, because, we (meth addicts) act like people with schizophrenia. You can take a really nice person and put them on speed and they will completely turn into a monster. I know I have seen it happen to a few people I know. I lived in Colorado from March of 1995 to October of 1998. I lived with my Dad and Step mom and they only had two kids at that time, from March of 1995 till February of 1998. I ran away on numerous occasions. But I never did drugs. I moved out then (actually I ran away for the last time) and moved in with friends because I was a teenager that thought I knew more than anyone else, especially my Dad and Step mom. I think I moved nine or ten times from February of 1998 till I moved back down to Texas in October of 1998. I quickly learned that it was not easy living out on your own. I realized that I was wrong and that I wanted to go home but I was to head strong to admit it. I moved to Texas because I found out that I was pregnant and when I told my boyfriend at the time that I was pregnant with his baby he told me that he wanted me to have an abortion. He said he was not ready to be a father. I did not think my Dad and Step mom would let me move back there and I did not want to have an abortion so I called my mom and told her I wanted to come back home to Texas. She left the next afternoon after I told her what he said and told her that I did not want to have an abortion. I was told that I could no longer live there with him if I did not have an abortion. She arrived in Denver, Colorado the morning after she left. I loaded all the stuff that I owned in her little Mitsubishi Mighty Max pickup truck and we headed back down to Texas. We made it back there the next evening. All this happened towards the end of October of 1998. I got with my husband (now ex-husband) Thomas Romano, Jr. in November of 1998. We had known each other since we were nine. He was my first love and my first everything. I remember thinking in high school I would never do drugs, because they are bad for you and they will hurt you, and was told they might even kill me and they almost did. I also was told they could cause me to go to jail and they did. In elementary school I remember Isaiah Robertson, he played with the LA RAMS, coming to my school in Mabank, Texas and talking to my whole class about drugs and his life before drugs, during drugs and after drugs. I also had talk to him a couple of times one and one. I decided then that I would not touch them because I did not want to end up like that. I remember what other members of my family went through with my Uncle Eddy and his drug addictions. He would steal anything from anyone to get money for drugs. Or at least that is what I have been told in the past by some of the family. I ended up being the same way and doing the same things. I also never said anything to anyone else when my ex husband did it either. And when confronted I would deny it till I was blue in the face and I would defend my ex husband in the same way if they tried to blame him. My Uncle Eddy did not even care who you were, or what of yours he took from you. He even stole my piggy bank once to get drugs, when I was 6 or 7 years old. He stole painkillers from his own mother (my Grandmother) before she passed away. She had MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and he stole her Morphine. I remember all the bad things my family would say about him and the things he would do to support his addiction. Now, I wonder if they ever said or thought those things about ME! I remember thinking “I never want to do drugs.” Well, when I did try them I liked them A LOT a WHOLE Lot. I wanted more and I did not care how I got them or who I hurt in the process if getting them. All I know is, I wanted meth and I would do just about anything to get it. From there it all went down hill. And it went down hill very fast. When Jr. and I first got together we lived with his mom. I was pregnant when we got together, but I lost that baby on December 5, 1998 due to complications. I still had never done a drug at this point. Not even smoked weed. The first time I ever touched an illegal drug it was pot (marijuana) and I did not touch it until after I had my DNC because of the miscarriage I had. We still lived with his Mom and Sister at this point. It was shortly after that I smoked pot. My Mom did not like the living conditions over there at his mom’s and she told me that Jr and I could move in over at her house. That is when we moved in with my Mom and Step dad. That was about a week before Christmas. After the first of the year and towards the end of January of 1999 early February of 1999, is when we started doing hard drugs, but only when my husband and I would have the extra money to do it. He was working, I was not. So you know just how often we had the extra money to do drugs. We did cocaine and speed. And we still smoked weed. First we started snorting the hard drugs. I remember snorting my first line with a one hundred-dollar bill. Then, we smoked them off foil, out of a light bulb or even out of a glass pipe. Then Income Tax return time came and we bought a lot of drugs. This is around the time I shot up for my first time and when I shot up my first time, I remember the feeling of it like it was yesterday! Oh, the rush of it! The way Dope (Speed) made me feel I will never forget. OH BOY that is a feeling no one can EVER forget! That sound of the "Train". Anyone who has shot Meth or Coke knows what I talking about. The feeling you get and it warms your body from head to toe. It is hard to explain. That taste in the back of the mouth. How you can feel it go though your body. When I would bump it I could feel it when the meth got to my heart. It would feel like was going to jump right of your chest or even explode. We would even mix Cocaine and Meth sometimes when we would shoot up drugs. I believe that is called a speedball. We got our first place together in end of February of 1999. We had someone we knew to move in with us to help with the bills. That is also when we had our first “run in” with the police in March of 1999. We kicked out the roommate because she wasn’t helping with the bills or anything else. All she wanted to do was party and have fun and sleep in between all this. She got mad because we kicked her out and she called the cops and told them we were getting six pounds of speed delivered to our house that night. Anyone that knows anything about drugs knows that is a lot of drugs in one place at one time. The police showed up and we allowed them to search our house. They found a light bulb, roach clips and some prescription Pondimin pills (also known as Fen phen) that were my mother’s. At this time Pondimin had been taken off of the market because researchers found out that it could cause major heath problems. From my research about Pondimin it was basically a prescription pill form of meth. The pills got mixed up in my stuff when we moved out of my parents’ house and into the house of our own. But, since the pills were my mother’s pills and they were in my house I got charged with possession of a controlled substance. We lost our place to live and moved in with his mother. I now get to deal with that arrest on my record for the rest of my life. It will always be on my arrest record and my criminal record unless I have it esponged off of my records. I found out on April 16, 1999, my 19th birthday, that I was pregnant with second child. The hard drugs stopped for me right then and there. I only smoked weed once in awhile during my pregnancy, but now I know that was just as bad as anything else was. In September of 1999 I was put on probation for those pills. Imagine the looks I got walking into court six months pregnant for possession of a controlled substance charge. I had my little girl on December 5, 1999, exactly one year after I had my miscarriage. I could not wait to do a "Bump." I remember that. After that next bump is when I wanted it real bad. All the time and as much as I could get. We moved out of my husband's family place in February of 2000 and got a trailer of our own in a town not too far away. The town we moved to is Athens, TX. I thought we were actually going to get somewhere in life this time. That was until we met our first famous "Dope Cook" and my husband became the runner for him. We took him everywhere he needed to go and in return we got “free dope”--what a great deal we had going on or at least that is what we thought! We actually got married on March 26, 2000. For a wedding present our “dope cook” gave us two 8 balls of speed. Boy did we ever have fun that night! We lost our place to live in early May of 2000 because we used all the drugs he gave us instead of selling some to pay bills. We had to move in with my mom and step-dad again. We kept on doing the “running” for the cook for a few more months. When we got married I thought we would be married forever, but I was wrong there too. On June 6th of 2000 I found out that I was pregnant again with our second child. I do remember I thought, "Oh, boy-- what are we going to do now?" We kept running the dope cook around, for dope for my husband and money or what ever I needed for me since I was pregnant. I did not do any hard drugs for three months. Then my husband went to jail for the next six months. He was pulled over for no front license plate and was arrested because he had a warrant for his arrest and he went to jail Labor Day weekend in September of 2000. I cheated on my husband soon after he got locked up because the guy had some meth and I wanted some too. I started shooting up again while I was pregnant and my husband was locked away. I was shooting up with the guy I was cheating on my husband with. I only cheated on him with one guy our whole marriage. I still do not know to this day what possessed me to shoot speed while I was pregnant. I guess it was my addiction. But the past is the past and I can not change it. I just have to live with it and move on. In fact, the night I went in to labor I had shot some speed and I think that is what made me go into labor. Our second daughter was born six weeks early on December 12th, 2000. She only weighed 4 lbs. ¼ (.25) oz. I had meth in my system of course, but when they did the drug test on the baby and her placenta they found no traces of any drugs. What a miracle! She only had to spend two weeks in the hospital. And there was nothing wrong with her. They kept her because she could not keep her body weight. While I was in the hospital CPS came in and gave custody of her to my mom. I got her back in January of 2001. I did not even stop using drugs after all that. I still kept on using. Jr. got out of jail in March of 2001. And immediately we went back to doing speed together. CPS called me again in April of 2001 because I was going to go to jail for violating my probation and they needed to place my children with someone (My Parents) other than my husband because he had been using drugs too. CPS knew that we had been using together during those months. He got popped his first drug test a few days after I had to turn myself into county jail. And he had to leave the house because he failed it and then lied about taking the drugs. While I was in jail I think I received two letters during the whole time I was in there. I sent letters to everyone I could think of and no response back. I was heart broken. I did not even get a letter from my mom. NO one came to visit me. CPS would not allow my mom or step-dad to write me or come see me and no one could bring the girls to come visit me while I was locked up. I really felt forgotten, like I fell off the face of the earth and no one cared that I was gone. I turned myself into Henderson County Jail and they transferred me to Upshur County Jail because that is one of the other jails that held prisoners for Henderson County Jail. I found out later that was part of me getting out early. I was sentenced to 60 days on May 1st, 2001. I had to turn myself in on May 8th, 2001 at 10 am. I got out in June of 2001 and I did not get my kids back until July or August of 2001. When I got out I had to go get MY HUSBAND from another woman’s house that he was sleeping with and doing drugs with while I was locked up. Come to find out he cheated on me a lot while we were married. That was when I should have left him! But I didn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 though. We moved into his mom’s house together, without our kids. Another mistake I made. I should have stayed with my children at my parent’s house. I have no clue what I was thinking. I told him on Father’s Day in June of 2001 that I had cheated on him. Boy the fighting was on from there. We would split up and get back together again. This was off and on until we got our divorce. We got our kids back and kept on using METH. We moved out of his mom’s house and into my parent’s house in October of 2001. My ex-husband, Jr., got a job working not too far from the house. There is where he ran in to someone we both knew in high school. We found out that he smoked weed and speed also. After that we started hanging out with him and his wife. Gerry’s wife, Lauren and I became best of friends. Lauren knew Gerry smoked weed, but she did not know he smoked speed. After awhile she was starting to suspect he was doing more than just weed. Gerry asked me to tell his wife he was doing speed and asked me to try to salvage his marriage. One weekend we went over there. Jr. and Gerry left to go find some dope and I told Lauren what Gerry was doing. She was very upset. This next part is where I went wrong, so very wrong! I told her she should try it (meth). After many hours of talking about it, she did. She smoked out of a light bulb and off tin foil. She liked it! Now, I realized she was instantly hooked. We all hung out and partied. Then Gerry started shooting speed behind Lauren’s back. Lauren was still only smoking meth at this point. During this time point in my life I know that I was doing just about any drug that was put in front of me. Even if I knew it looked funny or something just did not seem right about it I would do it. Some people call people that do this a tester. I would pop pills, shoot up drugs, snort, and smoke, eat or do drugs anyway I could. I know one time I did some stuff that was supposed to be meth. But it was green and hard like jolly rancher candy. Come to find out it was Anti freeze. I am lucky I did not die that night. I know I felt like I was going to. I remember staying up all night in the bath tub thinking God please do not let me die like this. I entered College for the spring semester of 2002 trying to straighten my life out. Well that did not happen. We split up again in March of 2002. The day we split up this time he pushed me down and knocked my head on a tree, which caused me to get 3 staples in the back of my head. We split up because he thought I was cheating on him again, which I wasn’t. That is what started the whole fight. Someone told him they thought I might be cheating on him and his high on meth mind told him I was. This happened the day before our second wedding anniversary, March 25, 2002. Then he moved into his sister’s and I stayed at my parents for a couple of days. We decided to try to work things out and I moved in with him over at his sister’s. He had starting hanging out with another dope cook. Well he came over and wanted us to take him to another dope cooks house in Trinidad. We took him over there. And while we were there me and my husband fell asleep on his couch and I left the car keys on a coffee table and while we were sleeping the first dope cook stole my car, which had my purse and my husband’s cell phone in it. When we got the car back my purse was in it but my driver’s license was missing out of it. Because of all this and the fact I lost my car I had to drop out of college for the first time. My grandmother that had MS died in May of 2002. I went to go see her shortly before she died. When my mom came over to Jr’s sister’s house to tell me to pack my stuff, that we were leaving that night to drive to Las Vegas to see my Grandmother before she died, I had just done a bump like an hour before she got there. My kids and I went to Las Vegas and Jr stayed in Texas. I came back a week later and she died a week after that. When I found out that my grandmother had died my husband was out on a dope cook. I left messages everywhere I could think of to tell him to get home because I needed him. It took him another four hours to get home after he got the message. And boy was he really mad at me for leaving messages everywhere and with everyone looking for him to tell him to come home. He said it was not his problem that my grandmother died. I still to this day think he was out doing something other than cooking dope. He had not changed clothes and he did not have that dope cook smell to him. I still say he smelled like another woman’s perfume. I tried to kill myself in June of 2002 and CPS stepped back in my life AGAIN and took the girls away again. CPS took them away because I was a neglectful parent when I tried to kill myself with the children in the house. I spent three days in ICU. I had taken enough ambien to kill 5 grown men. And on top of that I had taken a dozen or more of Tylenol PM. I found out later that while my husband at the time was trying to save my life Justyne went and got his mom to tell her mommy needed a doctor. When I got home from the hospital my husband and I continued to use drugs. In July of 2002 we all got kicked out of his sister's place because it was being foreclosed on. We moved in with another “dope cook” we knew. We lost contact with Gerry and Lauren at this point. Boy, the things I learned while we lived there! I could never forget. Some of the people I met really SCARED ME! I learned never to look people in the eye that you do not know. We lived there until September of 2002. His mom came and rescued us. I thought my prayers had been answered. We moved out of there and in with his mom. We got our girls back shortly after we moved back in with his mom. When we got there he also wanted to go out and “hustle” to get drugs. He wanted to “hustle” drugs to make money to get diapers for the girls rather than borrowing some money from my mom to get them. This is the last time I really remember dealing with CPS at all to this point. I left my husband on 15th of September, two days before his birthday. I left him because of a letter I got in the mail from CPS. Saying he had physically abused our second daughter. When one of our friends that just happened to be a major dope cook around here found out that I was quitting and that I had left Jr., he told everyone not to sell to me and not to even give me any. While we were separated, Jr. ran into Gerry and Lauren again. He and Gerry talked Lauren into trying the needle. I know this because she called me and told me all about it. And then she wanted me to come over and visit. I told her “no I couldn’t, because I had decided that it wasn’t a good idea to go over there. This is around the same time I relapsed in November of 2002 and I only did it one time, but that is all it takes. I went over to this person’s house to find out what had happen to a friend of mine that was in the hospital and he told me that he had died. He offered me a bump and I took it. I went home and thought about what I had just done. And kicked myself in the butt for it when I came down! But I had done it and I could not take it back. I did really well for awhile. I stayed clean from October of 2002 to July of 2003. During this time I actually completed a semester of college. I found out that my husband (soon to be ex-husband) was in Henderson County Jail and was possibly looking at going prison for a few different charges. I found this out in like June of 2003. I relapsed in July 2003. It happened at Gerry and Lauren’s house. I just went over there to say hi. I knew better than to go over there. I knew they were still using and I knew they were shooting it too. I think that in the back of my head I wanted to relapse. I went over there thinking I was strong enough to say” no” if I had to. As it turns out, I wasn’t. Surprise! I went over there and started wanting it. I was even the one that mentioned getting some. We went and found it. I found someone who had some dope AND a brand new point (needle)! Oh boy, did I think I was in heaven! But I wasn’t. My boyfriend (Now ex-boyfriend - Named Joe) at the time found out where I was and he knew I had a real bad past with METH. He knew what I was doing but I denied it for about 8 hours. He would call constantly. He wouldn’t let me get off the phone and when he did he would call back 10 minutes later. I could not handle lying to him anymore. I told him the truth. He hung up the phone on me only after he called me a few more choice names. About that time is when that “dope cook” friend of mine showed up over there with another “dope cook” that I knew. They found out I was back in the area and found out that I got drugs from someone and wanted to know who gave them to me. When I heard him (The first “dope cook) hollered my name I knew I was in trouble. OH BOY was I in trouble. He also had another friend with him. I tried to hide it from them by running down the hallway into my friend’s room but it did not work. They both knew I was there and were hollering for me to come see them. I went back down the hallway and sat next to the one I knew the best. He asked to see my arms and I did not want to show him. I had marked up my arms pretty bad trying to find a vein. But I finally found it only after I made myself look like a pincushion first. I did not want to show them to him because I was ashamed of what they looked like and the fact that I had relapsed again. He made me look at what I done to myself. Then he called my boyfriend and told him to come pick me up because I was too high to drive all the way back home. And he told him not to let me come back to that area for ANY reason and he told him to tell me that when I came down from my high. When my boyfriend came and got me I was scared he was going to yell and scream at me some more. But he just took me home. He did not yell at me or call me any bad names. He just helped me get ready for bed and held me all night. I found out in June of 2003 that my husband was being charged with three different felonies. One was burglary of a habitation (someone else’s house), another was burglary of a building and the other one was sexual assault of a minor. When we were separated he decided that he wanted a 15 year old girl over me. Well the sexual assault got dropped due to the lack of evidence. The 15 year old refused to testify. That was not a surprise. Jr plea bargained off the Burglary of a habitation charge off and was only charged with Burglary of a building. I believe he was high on Meth when he committed these crimes and was looking for money or something he could sell to get more drugs. But that is just my opinion. My ex husband got his papers saying I was filing for a divorce in July of 2003. He was in Henderson County jail waiting to be transferred to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice prison system. Boy was he ever mad. I tried to go back to college again the fall semester of 2003 and it did not work. I had to drop out because of all the stress. Well my husband and I got the final divorce on October 20th, 2003. He was actually in prison at the time he got the final divorce papers. I thought I had closed that chapter of my life for good until I started smoking weed again In April of 2004. A good friend at the time came over in June when he found out that I was smoking weed again and told me that I would be back on the needle in less then six months. This good friend is actually an ex-boyfriend of mine that is named Kevin. I stayed clean from meth until July of 2004. I made it a year clean off of meth and thought everything was smooth sailing from there. I thought smoking a little weed here and there was harmless. Boy was I ever wrong! A "dope cook" (my now ex-husband, Jr) got out of prison in July of 2004. I thought I could say no to it. But when it is right there in front of my face that is when it was SO hard to say "NO". I smoked it at first. Then I shot it AGAIN. I lied to my boyfriend (Now Ex-boyfriend - named Jon) about it and hid it from him for about six weeks. I know I should not have done it. I knew before the needle even left my arm that I should not have done it. I have shot it a few times since then and smoked it a few more times also. My new “clean date” is November 13, 2004. Boy was that was a mistake to even TRY Meth again! I “now” battle those awful cravings to do it again. I don’t crave it as much as I used to. I am always scared they will become real bad again. I also watched my ex-boyfriend go from saying he “hated” needles and would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. Now he prefers shooting METH. It scares me. To see someone flip like that makes me realize just how powerful this drug is. I’ve already lost one man I loved to this evil drug. Now I was scared I was going to lose two. Which in the end, I did. The place where I live is referred to as "Speeder Creek Lake” in a really small town in Texas about 60 miles South East of Dallas. Back in July of 2004, I had a really good friend of mine murdered because of this drug. It was the dope friend of mine that showed up at the house where I was when I relapsed in July of 2003. I have seen this drug do NOTHING but tear “my world” and everyone else's “world” it touches apart. Meth will make your life a living hell. I do not think you can judge this drug any anything that has to do with drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I am not saying, “Go out and do it.” Please do not do that. Because it only takes once and you could be hooked (addicted). I have done the “picking” and left sores all over my body. Now they are commonly known as Meth bumps or “bugs”. I have had the suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I thought people were out to get me. I have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion in front of people I hardly knew. I never thought I would do this drug again. I guess the saying “once an addict always an addict” is true. What I am saying is learn from other people’s mistakes and NEVER try this drug or any other illegal drug. And please do not miss use prescription drugs that are prescribed to you. Only take the amount you are supposed to and only take them when you are suppose to and how it is prescribed to be taken. And do not take prescription pills that do not belong to you. Also when you take OTC (Over the Counter), stuff you buy at a store, only take those how you are supposed to and only in the amounts you are suppose to. And if you do decide to try it remember all it takes is just once. The biggest step is to ADMIT and ACCEPT you have a problem. From there it is all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC (Drug of Choice). Demon of Choice is what I call it and that is what it is… a choice and a demon all rolled into one. Some people even call meth the Devil’s Drug. No one caused these relapses but me. Trust me; I have tried blaming a few people. I have chosen this drug over everyone, myself, my children, my parents, my lovers & my close friends, all of whom I have hurt in one way or another because of METH. One of the times my boyfriend and I were smoking METH, I was rude to a mutual friend of ours because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I was ashamed for people to see me like that. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I think the only person I am fooling is ME! I know I am addict. Now, all I have to do is BE more powerful than the drug. I really have to be strong, not only for myself but also for my kids. I have also learned “never say forever” because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay clean and not use anymore. I just take it ONE Day at a Time. And look to God for answers. I am still adding and editing this story of mine. I hope this will help who ever may read it. Just remember to Let Go and Let God. And fake it till you make it. I lost what I thought was my second love to this drug in October of 2004. He could not admit he has a problem with drugs or alcohol. I had to leave him because his is not healthy for me to be with right now. We no longer talk. I realized that he was just using me for what is between my legs. I am now in a 12-step program (AA/NA/Over comers). It is not that in order to recover an addict has to tell his or her story to another addict in order to recover that is so true. I guess that is part of the reason I am writing this is so I can NEVER forget where I have been. And also to never forget that all it would take is one slip and I could be right back into that life style. This is helping me a lot. It is a lot of work to stay clean. There are days I just want to give up. But I can't and won't. The more the stress the more I want to use, but I have not and won’t. I am bound and determined to beat this drug. Sometimes I have to live for the next five minutes and sometimes just for the next second or two. There are a few things that I have to remember and that is the one thing I have to change is everything. That means people, places and things and even ideas. I did not destroy my life in one day, a month or even a year. So it is going to take time to put it back together. I am now back at home, AGAIN, with my parents and I have my kids with me. I am NEVER choosing this drug over my kids again. That is the most important part. My Story was also put on Partnership for a Drug Free America’s Website. I am very proud of that. I hope my story reaches many other people and I hope it helps them. I want it to reach as many people as it can. It is also on a few other websites. Like Montana Meth Project’s website, and a few others. I am trying very hard at spreading my story. I just want to help people like they helped me Well I am fixing to get married to a man that has helped me through the last part of my drug addiction. His name is Kevin. He has always been there for me to talk to. We have known each other for a couple of years now and well you could say I am marrying my best friend. When I relapsed the last time he told me I would relapse back to speed when he found out I was smoking pot again In June of 2004. I relapsed back to speed in like two months. I am also fixing to go back to college I can not believe they are actually going to let me in. There is a God and Grace. We are going to be closing on a house on September 23, 2005. I am also fixing to be going back to college in August. I am so excited. Oh my girls are enrolled in elementary school now. My oldest, Justyne is going in to kindergarten. And Jordan is going into pre-kindergarten. They start school in the middle of August. My life is going to be very busy the next couple of months. My shorter version of my story was put on The Partnership for a Drug-Free America web-site in the end of August 2005. I made it to one year clean on Sunday November 13, 2005. Now I am trying for two years. Well I got remarried on Thanksgiving Day of 2005. This was November 24, 2005. I married Kevin. I am very happy. I am back in college and made a 3.3 this semester in college. I do not think I have ever been this happy. I have already planned out my classes for next semester. I now realize that my previous relationships were based on lies. And that is not a good foundation for any kind of relationship. I am reenrolled for college this semester. I start January 17, 2006. I have a very busy life. I am hoping to have another awesome year of being clean. I have also already tested out of one of my classes this semester. Well CPS showed up on my door step January 23, 2006 because someone (my ex mother-in-law and/or my ex husband new wife) called and told them I was neglecting my children and doing drugs in front of them. So on January 24, 2006 I had to go take a drug test in their office. I also had to sign a release saying that they can get my kids medical and school records. This just shows that your past can come back and bite you in the rear end. All I know is I am drug free and I just have to go through the ropes till this thing is done. And the sad part is if she calls again that they will have to come and visit me again. I pasted the drug test and they looked at Jordan’s medical file and said I did everything in a timely manner. I went and got the medical records myself because I wanted this thing over. They told me that the case was closed on January 31, 2006. It took them One Week One day to close the case on me. I hope I never have to deal with them again. I am always scared that they will take my kids from me. Well on March 11, 2006 I received the worst phone call of my life so far. My ex-brother in law, Johnnie “Red” Morrison was murdered March 10, 2006 at about 3 pm CST. He was shot in the side of the face by a full length pump action shotgun. The guy that alleged shot him, was a person Johnnie considered to be one of his good friends his name is Tim Smith. The police suspect that Johnnie was murdered over some small amount of money he owed Tim for some Meth. The guy that the police suspect did this and arrested for this is being held in the local county jail on the charges of Murder and a felon in possession of a firearm. And a charge of aggravated assault has been added. The police also arrested the guy that was supposedly driving the van that Tim Smith was riding/sitting in when he alleged shot Johnnie. The driver, William Weaver, is also being held on a murder charge. They are both being held on $150,000 bond. The first pre-trail hearing date was set for June 12, 2006. Tim Smith plead Not Guilty to all charges at the pre-trial hearing. And the driver was not there. He was being held in another county on charges that had nothing to do with these charges. So the judge put out a bench warrant for the driver’s arrest so he can get transferred back to this county to face these charges. How can you plead not guilty when at least 10 people seen you do it? I do not understand people and how they think. We have heard that the men being held on these charges are bragging about what they did. How can someone be proud that they murdered someone else? I am not sure how much of this I believe. I knew both sides of this. I went to school with Tim and Johnnie was my brother in law. Maybe this is why it is so hard. I have never lost someone this close to me in this sort of way. I always thought that this would happen to someone else. And this one landed on my door step and it scared the HELL out of me. I think the reality hit that if I get back into that kind of world that, the very same thing could happen to me and that scares the shit out of me. How can someone shoot someone they consider to be a friend is what I do not understand? I do not know if I ever will. I am hoping to understand more after the trial and/or trials are over. I found out that they had a status conference on September 11, 2006. I do not know what that is, but as of September 13, 2006 no trial date has been set. I have heard that Tim is now going to use the plea of Not Guilty by Self Defense. Tim’s announcement trial has been set for November 22, 2006. That is where both sides appear and announce that they are or are not ready for trial. If both sides are ready the trial will start the day after Thanksgiving. William has a status hearing on October 10, 2006. Well Tim’s trial is starting today December 12, 2006. Today is my youngest daughter’s 6th birthday. Tim shot Johnnie while his family watched from a window. Johnnie did have a baseball bat, but the only reason he had it is because of what Tim supposedly had been telling people around town about how he was going shoot Johnnie. Tim came to Johnnie’s place of residence. Not the other way around. Well at Tim’s trial the family is going to have to testify. And one of them is my niece who is only 13 years old. I can not even imagine what it will be like for the family. I am waiting to write anymore on this till I know more information. I will add more as I find out more. I just pray that God’s will be done whatever that may be. I can just hope that this part of my story hits some people because sometimes this is the only way out of this world. I am hoping that after this trial is over that I will not being adding anything else bad or negative to this very long story of mine. I finished my last semester of college with a 4.0. I am going to enroll in the fall semester when it comes time to. My oldest daughter made all “E” honor roll in kindergarten. I am so proud of her. I am going to be home with my beautiful little girls all summer. Hope I still have my sanity when the summer is over. I will also have all my classes planned out before I go to register. It makes things easier. In July of 2006 I went to the doctor to get a check up done and also had blood work done. I got a phone call from the doctor 3 days later say that my liver count is up. And she is going to have my blood tested for all three of the Hepatitis’ A, B & C. I thought I never used a needle after anyone else. But who knows what is done when someone gets high and then starts wanting more. Also all the pills I took when I tried to kill myself did not help. Nor did all the dirty drugs and/or drugs I did that I had no clue what it was. All three of my hepatitis’ test came back negative. So in two weeks I get to go in for blood work. The teat results came back and my blood work is normal now, including my liver count. Well in August both my girls and I will be starting school again. I can not wait they are getting so big Justyne is going to be in First Grade and Jordan is going to be in Kindergarten. They grow up so fast is all I know. I remember when they were little babies. I am going for my Associate of Applied Science Degree for Legal Assistant Technician (Paralegal). Then I am going to get a Bachelor Degree in Business Administration. Then off to Law School I hope. Meth abuse is not just related to any certain type of person or any certain race. All different kinds of people abuse drugs and/or alcohol in some sort of way. Meth destroys all kind of families. From the rich to the poor and it is abused by every race you can think of. This is an epidemic in our country and I hope my story helps someone else. I have also learned that I can never take any over the counter medicines or prescription medicines the contain phenylpropanolamine, Pseudoephedrine or Phenylephrine. These are commonly found in Decongestant medicines. I can not take medicines with those ingredients in it because it could possibly be a trigger for me to want to use meth again. I can never forget where I have been for fear of going back to using drugs and I do not want to do that. I have watched this drug tear people’s worlds apart. I have not seen anything good come from this drug at all. It destroys everything it touches. During the times that I was in and out of my kids’ life my mom always had them and took care of me in my time of need. My mother probably was the world’s best enabler but if it wasn’t for her I would not have my children right now. And I am so very thankful for my mother and stepfather. They were there for my children when I was not in the mental and at times physical mind frame to be. My kids figured out at a very young age that mommy & daddy was “sick” and that mommy and daddy were taking “bad pills”. They figured this out at a very young age and no child should have to learn and/or figure these things out on their own. Nobody talked about my drug addiction in front of them that I know of. They figured out those things all on their own. I try to always tell my kids the truth and not hide or lie about anything to them. I do not want them to think I will ever lie to them. I have lied to them enough in the past, when I wasn’t around to be there for them when they needed me. I think Justyne figured that I was sick when she saw the ambulance take me away in it after I tried to kill myself. She knew that it was taking me to the hospital and that they would make mommy all better again. Just remember that if you are doing drugs or you are thinking of doing them that it effects more than just you. I know of people in prison and this drug has torn their world apart. And my story is a small part of their stories and what they have been through in the journey down the path of drugs. When they are in prison they have no intentions of ever going back to that world. But some how it keeps pulling them back when they get out. People find out they are out and start asking for stuff and it goes down hill from there. The chains of this drug are very hard to break and some never get broken. Many people die with these chains still attached. Some of the things these people have seen are things I probably could not handle if I had to see it or go through it. These are very deep dark levels of this world. Once you get in it. It only gets darker. And the further you go in the harder it is to get out. That is the cold hard truth about this drug. I have watched this drug rip families apart, destroy relationship and steal people’s lives from them. I am not just someone you read about. I am a living breathing person. I have two little girls. And I love them both so very much. I also have husband that loves me and I love him very much. I have two sets of parents that love me. This drug took a lot of years of my life away from me. I also have lots of loving friends and a family that love me too. I did not come from parents that were illegal drug users. I did not live around it when I was a child. When I was a senior in high school I didn’t even know what a joint was, much less crystal meth! That was in March of 1998 and by December of 1998 I was smoking weed. I have to make a conscious effort everyday to stay clean. I never tell myself I have made it or anything else like that. Because no one is better than this drug. And well you just read the rest of the story. It’s all history. I have put a lot of time and effort into this story and the cleaner I get, the more I remember. Now that it is really weird. So as I remember more and more important things happen I will add more to this story of mine.

your loooonnnng story              Reply to this Comment

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who cares? Save your epic saga for a book, you've wasted an hour writing here.

Incredible              Reply to this Comment

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The person who commented above is an asshole. You my friend are incredible. My brother was a heroin addict from the time he was twelve until twenty two. He will graduate college in March and enroll in medical school shortly thereafter. You are another phenomenal individual with time stolen away by drugs. Fortunately, you have an incredible life ahead of you Bobby

readability              Reply to this Comment

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I cannot read your story since it is one long narrative. Please break it up into paragraphs. It will then be MUCH easier for people to even WANT to read. btw.. I DO want to read it, but its unbelievably more difficult and boring for most people to even try.

author              Reply to this Comment

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I summitted in paragraghs. do not know why they are not here

author              Reply to this Comment

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I subitted in paragraghs. do not know why they are not here

reply              Reply to this Comment

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I did take the time to read your entire story. I under-stand this drug as I also sruggle daily. Thank you for taking the time to write it down, and I'm happy for the way it turned out

shelly              Reply to this Comment

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did you really understand because i watched this and didn't i just feel sorry and helpless

recovery story              Reply to this Comment

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I don't know what it's like to do drugs, but I live with severe depression, and I too have wanted to kill myself so many times. You are very brave to tell your story, because I know that to want to kill yourself, you are in a pain that is more than most people would ever understand. I know that the serenity prayer has been all over the world, but I really encourage people to look it up in its entire text online; it's by Reinhold Niebuhr. Good luck "living one moment at a time, enjoying one moment at a time" (Niebuhr) As for those who cannot take the time to read your "long" story... maybe they should evaluate what they do with their time that is so much more important that they cannot spend 15 minutes understanding anothers pain.

Repy to your story              Reply to this Comment

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Let the 'jerk' that said break it into paragraphs, too long, etc. Go fly a kite. Why is he/she on here anyway? You took the time to write it and wrote it well. I hope you find and retain the help you need to overcome the demons. Best of luck to to and keep the positive in front of you at ALL times.

reply              Reply to this Comment

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that is a great story. i am trying to get clean from herion and crack, i relate so much to what u said. i also have 2 small kids and lost alot. i guess i just haven't lost enough yet. my dad asks me every time i relapse...haven't u had enough pain yet? i am trying, i have about 3 weeks clean right now. thank you for taking the time to write that. i cried through about half of it.

coping              Reply to this Comment

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It is great to hear a story of recovery. It gives me hope that my father could change. Being a child of a parent with addiction is really difficult and emotional. your story helps me to relate to his relapses. I wish you all the best

re              Reply to this Comment

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i teach literacy to men who are recovering addicts. some used meth as their DOC. we've started reading some recovery stories in class, and i want to try to use pieces of yours. i think it will inspire them and hopefully help them to truly see than any DOC is a bad idea.

you can make it.              Reply to this Comment

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My life experience is something I am not proud of, but I wouldn’t change it for anything except my criminal record. My life experience has made me who I am today. I am a recovered drug addict and an alcoholic, and I started at a very young age. I was introduced to heavy drugs by a friend of mine who passed away a couple of years due hepatitis C. I am fifty years old, but I feel older than that due to my chronic health problems. I come from a big family, and my situation at home was not good since my father would beat us up and sexually abuse my two younger sisters and me. When I was eleven years old, I was raped also by two men who took turns raping me and dumped me at memorial park. I spent more than a week there because I was bleeding from my rectum. I do not remember anything positive I did in my life; I live a life of deception and became a very angry person. I could never hold a fulltime job because of my addiction. I always worked as a labor, roofer and furniture mover. As an adolescent, I was stealing or prostituting myself just to survive since I used to live under tunnels, parks or a friends else’s house, and sometimes I did not know the person. The first time I was arrested I was barely fourteen years old. I got arrested because I was breaking windows in an apartment complex. My first DWI was when I was seventeen years old. I was driving a car that did not belong to me, and the person did not wanted to press charges because he knew he was harboring a minor at his house. I was sent to prison for ten years, and I spend only four months because i was in a program (bench warant). I was convicted for burglary of business. In prison I learned to be quiet on things that I witnesses and stick to myself. I saw many fights and prisoners being raped in the showers and I was afraid it could happen to me also because of my age. I learned that inmates only raped child molesters, rapist or other people who belong to other gangs. I got out of prison and I gain some respect in the neighborhood because young people believe that is was a cool thing to go to prison. I was on parole for five years, and my parole officer told me to find a job right away. I started to work for Levi Strauss Manufacturing, and began prostituting myself at night. I started to break into houses again because of my addiction. One day my luck run out, I broke into a dentist office and stole more than ten thousand dollars worth of gold teeth. I dropped my wallet with my identification card and my paroled was revoked, and I was sent to Casa Blanca a half way house. My family hired a good lawyer, and I was given ten-year probation. I got sent to The State Center on Delta Street on Cottage 12 for sixty days. I remember that my mom would tell me to change my way of life, but I would only tell her to mind her own business. I lost all the respect from all of my family, and is taking me a long way to prove to them that I am changing. When I would end up in jail, I would call home for my mom to get me out, and my mom would call my brothers until they got tired of my stupidity. I would spend time in jail for months and would blame my family for my troubles, so I had a great excuse to go to the streets to get my fix. When my family found out that I was a heavy drug addict my life was shun from their lives, and I was alone to face reality. I have been arrested 37 times most misdemeanors including five DWI’s. I have been in six treatment centers and none of them help me with my recovery because I was in denial. I began to realize that I really needed help, but I was too embarrassed to talk about my rape. It took a suicide attempt for my siblings and parents to listen to me. My family eventually found out about my rapes and began to understand why I was an addict and why I turned up with so many problems. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic syndrome and was sent to a group therapy for four years at Life (El Paso Tx) Management Center. I was in a group for rape victims, the entire group members were raped as a child and the ages varied from eleven to fifty-five years old. I believe group therapy helps a person to get well, but it depends on the counselor running the group. I have been in different therapy groups from AA to individual therapy and treatment centers, and they never helped me at all. The main reason for this is that I was sent to treatment by the courts, and I never did it on my own. At these treatment centers they would only talk about the addiction and not about what is causing the addiction. I believe most of the people in the group’s sessions probably going through the same thing as I did. When I was raped, I was threatened with my life. The men that raped me said that if I ever told somebody, they would do things to my sisters and my family. When I tried to tell someone, they would avoid me or would ask me if I liked it. All these professionals never took me serious or were just ignorant about dealing with rape victims. I remember that a well known psychologist, in El Paso Texas told me to grow up and to get it over, and since then I have trouble telling a counselor about my rape. I also remember at Southwest General Hospital, a counselor by the named Bob offered me and another patient, alcohol and drugs for sex, and after that I had a difficulty time figuring out why all these professionals were helping people in need. I went through a lot of anger, hate and self-pity. I used to believe that I had done something wrong to deserve what happened to me. I dropped out of school in the 8th grade, and I obtained my GED. I quit doing drugs twelve years ago because I tried to kill myself by overdosing with Prozac, alcohol and heroin. It took me more then two weeks for my nerves to calm down because I could not stop shaking and I was in an anxious state. The doctor told me that I was a lucky man that I was alive. I promised I wasn’t going to do drugs again, but I continued with my alcoholism until five years ago. I was diagnosed with emphysema and liver disease. I also stopped smoking after thirty-five years. I went back to school and obtained my Associate Degree in human services.I obtain my Bachelor Degree also and i working on my Master's right now. My life change when I forgave people who harmed me. My father died after I forgave him. He was waiting for me to arrive to the hospital, and I also asked him for forgiveness when he died. I also forgave those people who raped me and people who did harm to me as a child. This experience on the streets and my addiction has helped me as a human being to care about other people and to stop complaining about what happen to me as a child. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I forgave myself as well and let go of all the hate and feeling guilty that I carry in my shoulders. Now I spend my time going to the movies and out to eat once a week with my family. The most important thing is to stay clean and sober for another day. I have temptations of relapsing. I know is hard to believe, but I miss the life that I was leading. I miss how it feels and the taste of it, but I need to remember that one slip and I would lose everything in my life. I still have a lot of my old behavior such as the way I talked and the way I act in front of others. I believe if I had the help as a youngster I would have done something with my life a long time ago. I do not regret what happened to me because I am a stronger person. I would not change my life for a better one, because that was my destiny and I accepted it. I asked myself if I am afraid of death, and I say yes because I need to face the consequences that I have done wrong in this world but GOD would forgive me. I started to get closer to GOD and my family I believe that I have forgiven people who have harm me because I can remember my past, and I do not get hurt no more. When you remember and you don’t get hurt remembering, you have forgiven, but when you remember and it hurts that means you haven’t forgiven. Hey I am a survivor. You guys out there don't give up, you will make it if you try harder. Is not bad as it seems. God Bless you to all who are having a hard time and suffering with drugs and to all families do no give up on your children. I had the mentality that i was stupid, why me, I no good for nothing. That is not true, you are somebody and you guys have somebody who cares about you. Parents don't give money to your children, don't have alcohol at home. Trust GOD and pray. you guys are not alone.

story above              Reply to this Comment

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Hey man i can relate to you, i mean i was never rape by my father or men, but the addiction, suicide, and the struggle. wow. God bless you dude that you got off the drugs and working at your masters.

story.              Reply to this Comment

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hey dude beatiful that you got out of the drugs. I was also rape by other man, and it sucks, cause i can't forget it man. is nice that you are working at masters degree, and made it. like you said you are a survivor.

re: you can make it              Reply to this Comment

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Please report the counselor (Bob) who offered to have sex with you to the licensing board in the state where he practices (Texas?). The licensing board will investigate - and you may save another patient from that predator. Your story is lovely - you have survived much pain with grace and dignity. Be proud and stay well.

My incredible STORY.              Reply to this Comment

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When i was 4 , my father started to touch me. I did like it, it felt very good. But then when i was 11, he started to touch my sisters. And i got jealous. So i ran away. He later found me naked in a bed with 48 other femlae prostitutes, but i can relate to all of you now. Because i relize how bad of a person i am. I should not have liked it. Now i work as a child helper in helping them get over the fact thaqt they also got raped. I tell them my story,m they tell nme theres. I feel very sorry. but i am a good person now , thank you for your time666.