Mix of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Treatment

My life experience is something I am not proud of, but I wouldn’t change it for anything except my criminal record. My life experience has made me who I am today. I am a recovered drug addict and an alcoholic, and I started at a very young age. I was introduced to heavy drugs by a friend of mine who passed away a couple of years due hepatitis C. I am fifty years old, but I feel older than that due to my chronic health problems. I come from a big family, and my situation at home was not good since my father would beat us up and sexually abuse my two younger sisters and me. When I was eleven years old, I was raped also by two men who took turns raping me and dumped me at memorial park. I spent more than a week there because I was bleeding from my rectum. I do not remember anything positive I did in my life; I live a life of deception and became a very angry person. I could never hold a fulltime job because of my addiction. I always worked as a labor, roofer and furniture mover. As an adolescent, I was stealing or prostituting myself just to survive since I used to live under tunnels, parks or a friends else’s house, and sometimes I did not know the person. The first time I was arrested I was barely fourteen years old. I got arrested because I was breaking windows in an apartment complex. My first DWI was when I was seventeen years old. I was driving a car that did not belong to me, and the person did not wanted to press charges because he knew he was harboring a minor at his house. I was sent to prison for ten years, and I spend only four months because i was in a program (bench warant). I was convicted for burglary of business. In prison I learned to be quiet on things that I witnesses and stick to myself. I saw many fights and prisoners being raped in the showers and I was afraid it could happen to me also because of my age. I learned that inmates only raped child molesters, rapist or other people who belong to other gangs. I got out of prison and I gain some respect in the neighborhood because young people believe that is was a cool thing to go to prison. I was on parole for five years, and my parole officer told me to find a job right away. I started to work for Levi Strauss Manufacturing, and began prostituting myself at night. I started to break into houses again because of my addiction. One day my luck run out, I broke into a dentist office and stole more than ten thousand dollars worth of gold teeth. I dropped my wallet with my identification card and my paroled was revoked, and I was sent to Casa Blanca a half way house. My family hired a good lawyer, and I was given ten-year probation. I got sent to The State Center on Delta Street on Cottage 12 for sixty days. I remember that my mom would tell me to change my way of life, but I would only tell her to mind her own business. I lost all the respect from all of my family, and is taking me a long way to prove to them that I am changing. When I would end up in jail, I would call home for my mom to get me out, and my mom would call my brothers until they got tired of my stupidity. I would spend time in jail for months and would blame my family for my troubles, so I had a great excuse to go to the streets to get my fix. When my family found out that I was a heavy drug addict my life was shun from their lives, and I was alone to face reality. I have been arrested 37 times most misdemeanors including five DWI’s. I have been in six treatment centers and none of them help me with my recovery because I was in denial. I began to realize that I really needed help, but I was too embarrassed to talk about my rape. It took a suicide attempt for my siblings and parents to listen to me. My family eventually found out about my rapes and began to understand why I was an addict and why I turned up with so many problems. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic syndrome and was sent to a group therapy for four years at Life (El Paso Tx) Management Center. I was in a group for rape victims, the entire group members were raped as a child and the ages varied from eleven to fifty-five years old. I believe group therapy helps a person to get well, but it depends on the counselor running the group. I have been in different therapy groups from AA to individual therapy and treatment centers, and they never helped me at all. The main reason for this is that I was sent to treatment by the courts, and I never did it on my own. At these treatment centers they would only talk about the addiction and not about what is causing the addiction. I believe most of the people in the group’s sessions probably going through the same thing as I did. When I was raped, I was threatened with my life. The men that raped me said that if I ever told somebody, they would do things to my sisters and my family. When I tried to tell someone, they would avoid me or would ask me if I liked it. All these professionals never took me serious or were just ignorant about dealing with rape victims. I remember that a well known psychologist, in El Paso Texas told me to grow up and to get it over, and since then I have trouble telling a counselor about my rape. I also remember at Southwest General Hospital, a counselor by the named Bob offered me and another patient, alcohol and drugs for sex, and after that I had a difficulty time figuring out why all these professionals were helping people in need. I went through a lot of anger, hate and self-pity. I used to believe that I had done something wrong to deserve what happened to me. I dropped out of school in the 8th grade, and I obtained my GED. I quit doing drugs twelve years ago because I tried to kill myself by overdosing with Prozac, alcohol and heroin. It took me more then two weeks for my nerves to calm down because I could not stop shaking and I was in an anxious state. The doctor told me that I was a lucky man that I was alive. I promised I wasn’t going to do drugs again, but I continued with my alcoholism until five years ago. I was diagnosed with emphysema and liver disease. I also stopped smoking after thirty-five years. I went back to school and obtained my Associate Degree in human services.I obtain my Bachelor Degree also and i working on my Master's right now. My life change when I forgave people who harmed me. My father died after I forgave him. He was waiting for me to arrive to the hospital, and I also asked him for forgiveness when he died. I also forgave those people who raped me and people who did harm to me as a child. This experience on the streets and my addiction has helped me as a human being to care about other people and to stop complaining about what happen to me as a child. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I forgave myself as well and let go of all the hate and feeling guilty that I carry in my shoulders. Now I spend my time going to the movies and out to eat once a week with my family. The most important thing is to stay clean and sober for another day. I have temptations of relapsing. I know is hard to believe, but I miss the life that I was leading. I miss how it feels and the taste of it, but I need to remember that one slip and I would lose everything in my life. I still have a lot of my old behavior such as the way I talked and the way I act in front of others. I believe if I had the help as a youngster I would have done something with my life a long time ago. I do not regret what happened to me because I am a stronger person. I would not change my life for a better one, because that was my destiny and I accepted it. I asked myself if I am afraid of death, and I say yes because I need to face the consequences that I have done wrong in this world but GOD would forgive me. I started to get closer to GOD and my family I believe that I have forgiven people who have harm me because I can remember my past, and I do not get hurt no more. When you remember and you don’t get hurt remembering, you have forgiven, but when you remember and it hurts that means you haven’t forgiven. Hey I am a survivor. You guys out there don't give up, you will make it if you try harder. Is not bad as it seems. God Bless you to all who are having a hard time with drugs and to all families do no give up on your children. Carlos Zubiate

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